The Long Slog (Feb 2019 – Sept 2019)

March 9th, 2019:

I’m forced to realize this wait could go on for a very long time. The sense of incompleteness is stark. What a waste. What an empty futile existence; petty human thoughts, nothing but pointless mundane, trivial, and redundant tasks. Why create a life like this at all – and in a world like this? Is this what Creation is?

Just look at this world; what a mess. A poisoned planet littered with garbage. War, violence; pointless harm; grubby greedy hands exploiting most of the world at any cost; unmeasurable suffering.

Why should I think of going back to Those that allow this mess. To what end? I think we have noting to say to each other if we are not going to address the specifics.


April 22nd 2019

Time passes by pointlessly and so … what? I’ve conducted many meditations over weeks but they have most going absolutely nowhere. Some are so faint, what in the world am I to believe or think about them?

But then today, out of the blue, a surprise, I felt something coming to see me. That hasn’t happened in a long time so I went to meditation (75 min manual meditation resulting). What’s worth mentioning? I don’t know. It too abstract to describe. I got to the place of the Fountain of Light which the Presence of the Light1 had previously shown me, mentioned in earlier notes.

At that previous time I was frustrated by the inability to comprehend anything at all. Today however, I stayed facing it; really stretching myself to grasp it, but again there was nothing. I think this may be about pushing my focus or perception to the farthest – but then again – who knows? It may actually be nothing at all.

Early May 2019

After some long periods of vacillating between trying to maintain meditations and then thinking screw all this bullshit, I went to the Crystal Monument in F27 to relax. After a short while I saw Sa-Tash2 walking toward me but I was disinclined to believe he was actually there. The signals are just too faint for me to believe. I can’t tell whether they are front-loads or not and I refused to be baited.

He invited me to come with him and as I remained unresponsive to him he insisted with me, “Would you not please come with me?” and so I proceeded with him.

We walked several paces together and then he paused to open what seemed like a transparent doorway in F27, when opened another space was revealed beyond. If was like the door was there hidden, invisible in the F27’s scene-scape until he opened it. We walked through this door-shaped discontinuity in F27 stepping right onto the rear aisle deck of his ship where I first met Sa-Tash during the Explorer 27 course. We proceeded forward to the ship’s piloting area.

In Piloting I saw one of the aliens seated down in the pit area who I met long ago at Sa-Tash’s base. This individual turned in his pilot seat and looked at me. I looked back at him acknowledging him in an unspoken manner.

Then I looked up at the forward view-screen. This was different. Previous times we clearly appeared to be parked judging from those views. Now it appeared the craft we just step onto was already in flight somewhere in space or whatever it is we are traversing.

Turning away from directing operations Sa-Tash looked at me, paused and said, “You are not the same as when we first met”. I answered coldly, “No. I am not the same”, as I did not appreciate the exceedingly faint signal. Why should I believe this? Why accept any of this I was considering. Sa-Tash let that go without further discussion.

I continued to observe the pilots’ activities as Sa-Tash was clearly in command. After a time as I stood with him watching the front viewer we saw a ship pull along-side closely. It slowly passed us and then it matched our speed; pacing us, just ahead. I noticed our ship was being slowly piloted to a holding position, just off the rear port-side of that vessel. As we held position I examined the other ship thinking I recognized it – the Pleiadian ship I thought.

Being incredulous I continued to examine it as we paced along with the craft. Nothing seemed to be happening as we kept pace with the craft. Then bursting onto the scene from an adjacent aisle that walks onto the pilot’s platform, appearing as from the exterior side of the ship, entered – Anosh.

She walked quickly and directly toward me appearing very upset saying, “You must hold my hand3“, but things were too faint to regard with certainty that she was actually there. Seeing her emotion however, I did spend a few moments with her since there was the chance it could actually be her and I didn’t want to risk disregarding her coldly. Still, I was unwilling to allow myself to accept a signal this faint, so after a short time with her I explained I could not perceive clearly enough to believe it is her. Then I said goodbye and phased back.

How can I believe Anosh – a Pleiadian women no less and as advanced as they are – could be conflicted over a human? That in itself seems far fetched to me.

May 2019

As I finish doing some daily tasks I was about to sit down and relax when I felt something push into this reality. I waited wondering what it was I felt. Then several angels made themselves strongly apparent standing in a group facing me and I remembered this is how the Wise One said it would be – meeting in C1 while spanning levels. After a moment of consolidating – I greeted them saying, “Welcome – my brothers”.

As meeting angels is always meaningful I wondered and asked, “Why are you here?” The individual in the center of the group of four prominent individuals, with perhaps others faded in the background announced, “We are here to pledge our allegiance to you”, and I felt their determination.

I wondered at what they said asking, “[I don’t understand] Why do this thing”? “Because you have spoken for us”, the center angel stated with factual certainty. I paused wondering what they were referring to when the center angel suddenly spoke up reasserting, “You have spoken for us – We know this”, and then I remembered while at Starlines 1 that I did speak on behalf of the angels. That was when I first met my sister.

I thanked them again for their support and then after a time of ‘being together – a comradery of spirit’ is how I would describe it, the leader, turning to leave paused and looking at me it said, “We stand with you”. I quickly asked, “What does this mean, you stand w/ me?” And the center angel replied definitively, “We stand alongside – with you. We stand against any – that stand against you”, and then they turned around and fading away they disappeared .

In C1: there is nothing I can do, constrained to this Earth. What does this mean?

Throughout May

This month I decided to re-access my discernment so I returned to studying my meditations more carefully in general, watching the roots of thoughts. I’m not willing to causally accept these.

I realized something during this time. I cannot try to understand Them according to my own thinking, or with my references of time. They are not human; not even in the physical; existing in multiple time-scales and domains. What do I know about how they think. And at this time I found another continuity of Their activity in my notes that I didn’t realize before. It was – it is – astonishing.

Another time I thought to look up the word wisdom in the dictionary and found we have little idea what wisdom actually is in our language. There’s very little said in the definition. It’s just a clever use of knowledge; one can be wise in law, wise in medicine, and wise in war; wise in crime.

Wisdom is not attributed in our language with goodness or truth. It is only the efficient and valid use of knowledge obtaining the greatest efficacy of some goal. What They said to me weeks ago is correct. I do not understand this.

Are these paradoxes; some balance of blended dualism? What does it mean, or what is the point to all this? To confound me? I guess that will only be evident when some goal is achieved. The Wise One said he would give me clarity, instead He gave me confusion. He spoke of two matters in our last visit: one was true, but on the other hand he endorsed the falsehood of the chamberlain. Are these two sides of the same coin? Mostly it just pisses me off.

I’m reminded of the One in the Great Hall who I first met while at Lifelines (Tuesday) and who more recently explained to me Their ‘way’. She said it was, “Like baking: a mix of ingredients (which she said I call dualities) that are placed in an oven. The result being apparent later”. Is that what this time is about? This is the oven? Well She might have added… the dark oven. It’s clear to me I have almost everything I need to know yet I cannot come to a conclusion concerning the root of the matter. There are clearly truths, yet there has also been some falsehood.

May 27th, 2019

As my perceptions have been so faint, even during optimum Earth shielding times of the day, I continued my meditations but also returned to working w/ hemi-sync; carefully observing the root of thoughts. I was in F21 studying what I call the blank slate when I heard, “We are here”.

Recognizing Them – that They were [all] there – I asked, “And Tellaidian [is he here too (?) …who exactly is All]? In response They only offered’ “That one is remote. We are present”. Not particularly trusting Them, suspecting Shadows were among Them as well I asked about that. Their response was only, “We are – all – here”. As far as I’m concerned that means yes.

Questioning the signal quality I said, “[Please] Increase the distinction between You and I”. Then I clearly felt Their peace. After a brief exchange I asked, “Why have you said to me ‘Peace – you may have’ while leaving me in confusion? What peace is that”? Then we faced each other as I mostly contemplated Them. They began to leave and They left me with Their assurance. This signal though faint – was clear.


Again the feeling, sensing something there; pushing in as if emergent. Why should I listen to this crap I thought but it persisted. I could feel it. Alright – i’ll go and we’ll know what truth They speak I decided. So reluctantly i went to focus 21 in meditation. That’s good enough I thought – I’m not going any further.

And so in F21 I announced, “I am here”. Instantly, simultaneously, over-lapping my words, my thoughts, I heard, “We are here’. This startled me as I tried to discern what was happening. Again I stated, “I am here”, and again instantly simultaneously overlapping my mind and words, “We are here”. I waited wondering at this contact. They quickly added ,” You are part of Us; We are part of you” (as if this was an explanation for the superimposed rapidity of Their thoughts over mine).

I could restrain myself no longer, “Why have you cut me off in this isolation”? “You left us. We did not leave you”, They answered. “Lies, cliches, and cryptic messages – you speak of patience but what of truth?”, I retorted. “We understand”, was all They would say.

“Why should I listen to anything you say?! You should have left me alone. Then at least I could have had a normal life! Why bother showing me all of this!?”, complaining strongly about the predicament They put me in.

“So you would be ready. You know – hard it was – [you] understand [this] what you’ve learned [difficulty]. You know the time – You must be ready first. You know – before time arrives – you must be ready”, They explained.

Then I calmed down as They factually added, “You understand these matters”. “Yes, I understand”, I answered conceding.

Not long after that I had nothing more to say to Them… and our contacted faded.

July 17th 2019

Stopped doing meditations for some weeks now. I don’t remember how long. Why bother? But today for some unknown reason I ‘felt’ like doing one meditation; just a mnemonic practice exercise I thought. When I got to my SP27 I was surprised at the clarity; a clear and present reality, as if seeing to the other side of a shear veil. Crystal clear. And next while in EC27 via sling-shot I felt or recognized something was there with me, but who?

Getting to 34 and 42 at times I suddenly apprehended I wasn’t alone. But I was disincline to reach out for contact and whatever it was did not address me.

Back in C1 I checked my astronomy software and found I was in my meditation during perfect optimal Earth shielding though the Sun is still deep into its minimum. Checking space weather data: solar wind down to 1.9 protons/cm3, with nil solar flairs A7.

A perfect time for seeing.

Early August 2019

I’ve been thinking about the clarity I had at my SP27 awhile back and I recognize I’ve been pretty angry about all this. Well, generally I am angry about this, yet now remembering how anger is indiscriminate. My beef is really only with some of the Elohim it’s not fair to lump Them all together. There are truths about this. I’ve been there too many times to keep questioning that.

Even crazier I caught myself thinking today that I could trust them and in some unconscious way I do. My superficial mind sees the contradictions as lies but another part of me actually understands the mixture, the paradoxes, subtle blends in the balance of dualities. From that point of view I understand Them.

Again reflecting on the word wise, true or false is not implicitly meant by that word. Is the Wise One speaking in the best way to accomplish an end; some purpose He is interested in? Perhaps it can’t be thought of as good or bad at all? Those are human words. Once asking the Gatekeeper about ‘good’ in F34/35 and the Beyond he said to me, “It’s a matter of balance”. Yet I will not forget when the Presence of the Light said to me, “There can be no balance without truth”.

Occasionally I am more calm now; can’t get anywhere in any meditations even with hemi-sync under optimal conditions. I see this pain in the ass time as Telladian once said to me, “Cease striving w/ incompleteness”.

I’ve been back to practicing QiGong; good connections. I’ve found I can feel the stones again. Yet there is nothing else I can do but wait. Maybe I should expect nothing more until I can demonstrate some patience but I actually don’t care what They think about my level of patience at this time. I can’t bare the thought of this existence for decades more. I have no desire to be in this form that long.

August 31st, 2019

Getting nowhere for a long time. I thought I’d tried something new. I thought I’d try intentionally front-loading. Some call this ‘primimg the pump’ a technique of manufacturing visualization, ie using one’s imagination. As a rule I don’t do any of that.

Trying a total front-load of anything intentionally I found I could not visualize; certainly nothing like the vision in my encounters. It’s as bad as trying to visualize my mnemonics; can’t even make faint images, just broken disparate ones. So about those faint images … Well i need to rethink those.

Sept 8th 2019

I haven’t cared to try to get back for awhile. It appears pointless after all the failures to get through at all, but then today I thought I should go take another careful look at the blank slate4. Later this day in meditation I found I was very rusty but I got the hang of it after awhile.

Then They were there (Elohim) and began by saying, “We wish to [relieve] assure you”. I had a variety of questions but all They would say was, “There is nothing to add”. I could get nothing more out of Them at the time but I did decide that I was going to focus more on mediations again; a more careful studying of the blank slate.

Sept 9th 2019

8:00AM Meditation (~Optimum Earth Shielding. Solar Wind 3 protons/cm3. A7)

I was determined to go look very carefully at what I call the blank slate; doing that in F42 meditation. I was gone 70 minutes.

Began with greeting those that stand with me then proceeded through my mnemonics. In focus 12 for some reason I thought to additionally charge via the energy conduit from the Elohim and soon became dizzy with energy but continued that anyway. There was a brief moment of fear or a sense of being overwhelmed as there was a moment I realized this was in fact real – the power of Their conduit. What are these forces I’m connected to? Generally I’m not afraid of the adventure. This fear was maybe more like … having a healthy fear of handling live high-voltage wires.

Once in F34/35 I charge the crystal shared energy structure at V8 for others that may pass thru there, then I proceeded to F42 and commenced my meditation there. This was a good solid mediation. At times I was aware of Tellaidian. I really questioned whether I could contact him but I seemed to know he was aware of my mediation exercise. I worked at this for a long time.

After that time the Ancients came into contact. This was ‘iffy’ per my new critical requirement in observing the blank slate but by the end of the contact I did come to accept that it was Them.

“We are here. We are with you”, They said. “Thank you. I understand I am not separated”, I replied.

We sort of bantered back and forth as I worked to convince myself this contact was valid. The following is brief because the conversation itself was short in terms of discussion but long in terms of contemplating what They said and my choice of words during the conversation. Words are a limited representation of the fuller context of Their mind’s presented thoughts.

“This training is good. This time is good”, They commented. I understood They were commenting on my new efforts in studying the blank slate but what impressed me the most was Their comment about this time. I recognized that I think of this time as bad. It’s miserable. Frustrating. Nothing but problems. Getting nowhere. Fed up. The whole damn thing is a pain in the ass. I understood however, that this time was in fact good from Their point of view. It is good training for me. I recognized that and I clearly saw my bad attitude. As a result I could only agree with Them. I need to change my attitude.

“We are with you”, They affirmatively added so I asked, “But who – and what, are you? How can it be that ‘I’ am being addressed by something like You”? “You are from Us”, They replied. “Can you elucidate your nature for me”, I requested.

Suddenly I saw as it were a rainbow of light, our visible spectrum, and I saw this spectrum extend far to my right, on to infinity… the farthest reaches into space but it was more like looking into an abyss, toward the beginning of time. I saw this quite clearly.

I understood They are far down that spectrum and I also understood, as if this was part of the illustration, that I could not comprehend Them because I am steeped in the experience of residing in our (humans) narrow bandwidth of existence or energy/mass spectrum.

This perception was so clear that suddenly I knew I could not have produce this image. This was one of the weighting factors that really convinced me it was Them and some nuance in Their speech/thoughts.

After some moments They offered, “You wonder why we are quiet [adding nothing]”. As I considered that suddenly I saw another vision of birds perched in trees watching the day pass by; as if there is nothing that needs to be done; no place one need go; simply being – abiding in existence untroubled. I realized I see this around me everyday in the wildlife and so understood the reason for Their quiet.

I said to Them, “I wish to ask, how could the Wise One endorse a falsehood? The Chamberlain’s words were false in fact”. “In time you will know all”, They answered but I continued, “My question is in this time. I desire an answer in this time”. Again they reiterated, “You will know in time”.

Off hand that’s all I can remember; returning was a big relief though. My mind was finally able to relax from the load of the tight focus. When I exited to C1 I found my body was breathing heavy catching it’s breath from some exertion but this was a good step. I feel like I have a new beginning.


September 16, 2019

Well that didn’t last long. I’m back to throwing in the towel. I just can’t deal with the seeming contradictions or the lack of explanation. I can’t cease striving with incompleteness as Tellaidian calls it. I can do it for a couple days and then I’m run over rehashing the questions. It’s days before I catch that I’m out of control.

This meditation was just too much – or should I say too little; again this drives me nuts. Very poor seeing conditions w/ respect to timing Earth shielding of the galaxy’s cosmic background noise but I knew that. I went anyway.

In manual meditation I went to the obelisk5 in F21 and had significant power there for my targets. From there I went to my SP27 supplimenting energy to some I care about in F27. Then I headed to my main intention – F42. I decided recently that the best place for my meditations is with Tellaidian, in his conference lounge, so I decided to go there and work on the blank slate.

Once I was there I really wasn’t sure I was actually perceiving him; everything was just so tenuously faint. After a time Tellaidian appeared to get up, moving away so I followed him. We came to his ring associates who also were very difficult to perceive; couldn’t tell if they were all there. But then I saw their ring of energy spin up and circulate among us. I could only follow it vaguely but as it glowed that faint light illuminated them just for a moment. I was generally aware of one of them – I guess. Suddenly I was gone and found myself with the Ancients.

Now I could see Them – kinda – and this is very rare. They appeared, for sure a dozen or more of Them, to be standing in a circle; as if just inside a large circle configuration – sort of. They stood on a level above some other central level. I saw them as columns of light but faintly such that They appeared more like vague apparitions of light.

I felt Them say, “Take your place”, and I went to stand with Them as a member of Their circle. I faced the center as They, but my attention was on Them, trying to figure this out. I understood I was to meditate there or here with Them.

I have never been stretched like this before and to what end? I don’t know what I was apprehending with Them, being there. It’s … an abyss and so after struggling to perceive, to understand, working a long time at this – I left as I didn’t know why I should be there any longer. I just cannot deal with my inability to understand or perceive what I should when there.

Returning to C1 I was quite fed up with this lack of transparency. It’s all so fuckin faint. There is no point in doing this. I can’t be sure of what I’m perceiving and I’m not interested in theatre. What is it I’m suppose to understand? Was the lesson simply that I should go there to meditate and not go to Tellaidian?

I like being with Tellaidian; at least he’s personable.

{Later realizing, Tellaidian was insistent I go be w/ Those Beyond6. I shouldn’t be surprised}

  1. Refer to March 31st, 2018 entry in The Illuminating Light (Mar 2018-April 2018) 
  2. About Sa-Tash, refer to Collection: Encounters w/ Sa-Tash 
  3. Refer to last note entry in Acceptance (Jan 2018) 
  4. The ‘blank slate’ is one of my exercises. It is also the general mental ‘stance’ I use in all these trips. Some at TMI endorse the idea of ‘Priming the Pump’. That’s using one’s imagination to create the context of a OBE or phased experience – whatever. I strongly disagree with that as what one is certainly primed for is a front-load. I maintain my encounters in pristine neutral states. That is I weed out all the stray thoughts until I get to a steady state of perceiving zero bias, free of distractions from the mind’s noisy thoughts. 
  5. Refer to Friday 3/7/17 notes in The Wizard, Yur’ael, and the Tower 
  6. see What is it one must do? (Dec 30th, 2017) entry: Post Starlines II (Nov 2017-Dec 2017)