Wednesday June 7th, 2017
This has been going on for some weeks now; distraught and depressed over everything. I can’t get past this. Why is there so much confusion about what is really going on? It’s so confusing, the inconsistencies, the near total loss of contact, around and around I go with this mess. Then today I realized I’ve slipped away from doing my meditations so this morning I resumed that, and I do feel better now.

This evening I wondered if I could made it to the memory room at Alpha Squared. Would anything happen after all this time? Could that thing tell me what I need to understand about all this? I started my long F27/F34+ track and stated in my affirmation that I was hoping to see whether I could have an understanding, some idea that was key to getting through this time, and I proceeded on.

When I got to F21 I paused. Why is it I can’t see like I use here, I wondered? After a few moments I moved on passing through F22 into F23. When I consolidate in F23 I found myself standing on the shoreline and the little girl Melissa (the young psychic toddler who searches for her deceased father) was holding onto my right leg hugging me. I thought she wasn’t here anymore I considered.

I stooped down giving her a small kiss on his head. Then kneeing down next to her, I turned her around gently so we both were looking at her house together. I pointed to the house reminding her that she needed to go home. When she began heading to her house I stood up and found an angel standing just behind my left shoulder looking at me. It’s somewhat normal here, but this one looked at me in a steady gaze with his gentle smile. I turned to him, acknowledged him, and then I drifted off heading to F27.

Once I arrived there, I found I couldn’t perceive anything there either. Wondering what I should do, suddenly the Ranger’s Office front porch where I find the F27 healing aspect appeared right in front of me. I doubted it for a moment, then noticed it was clarifying and soon there was no doubt that the structure was holding my attention, maintaining its image on its own. I wondered if I should go in. Is this the place for me to bring this problem? I was doubtful about that. For a moment thought i’d proceed but as I touched the wood railing on the porch I decided this wasn’t for me at this time. As I removed my hand from the railing, suddenly, I was startled to find a TB standing behind me. He was so big. I wasn’t use to seeing them like this; clearly alien and very tall.

I bowed slightly greeting him and then explained, “I don’t know what to do with this confusion. I don’t understand why everything is so inconsistent; why I just can’t perceive…”. Then he put his right hand and my shoulder and said, “You should be at peace”, as if reminding me about something I am suppose to maintain. Then he walked past me toward the Ranger office entrance, but then he turned back and said to me, “You should come visit us”, and I was glad to know the door is open to me.

From there I went to my SP27 intending to use the sling-shot to focus 34/35. I entered my dwelling and walking around the table to the open air window that looks out to the mountains peaks there, I then understood that Raphael was there. I questioned whether he was actually there, but then suddenly I saw his face clearly. He smiled at me, and I realized he was there as he said he would be. What do these encounters really amount to I wondered. Why does it happen like this? Then I turned my attention to charging my labradorite sphere and in a moment I started the maneuver. Once I got to F34 I decided I would use the Voyager 8 structure and so I went there directly. After a slight delay I headed to the Alpha Squared space station.

As I approached I was surprise that I had a couple of very clear glimpses of it. At the entrance, I perceived the reception area and walking to it I noted a very large alien individual that I had never seen before. It was eight foot tall perhaps, a limestone-yellow like color, with a large elongated cylinder shaped head and very small facial features. I bowed slightly to him in greeting and explained that I wished to use the memory room in my suite. He then made something I accepted as a welcoming gesture indicating I may proceed into enter.

Entering the main hall it seemed bigger to me at this time. It took a few moments to walk across it to the lift which I like to use. Arriving at my level I turned toward my suite and noted vague images of Atur and Anosh standing on the balcony near my door. I wondered in what way I really believed they were truly there; this must be a memory load. On the one hand I didn’t want to chance being rude, and on the other I was also disinclined to engage such faint images. What does this actually mean? Does it mean anything? But to be safe, I greeted them in case they were actually there, and then placed my hand on my door’s mnemonic symbol and entered.

Walking into my suite, I saw Tellaidian. Again I wasn’t sure if it was him, or an icon available for communications, but I greeted him in the event he was somehow connected here. “Master, good to see you”, I said and it seemed the image took on a bit of realism. Since my business was in the memory room, I picked up the key from the window sill, unlocked the door and entered.

I was surprised to see that the chair looked ready to go and a couple of attendants/operators appeared to be waiting for me. After a moment’s consideration I climbed onto the chair and began to voice my intention knowing that since I was not asking for a memory the chair might not function. I inquired whether the device could impart a key understanding that would help me penetrate the dilemma I seem to always face. Then something/someone said to me, “Yes”, as I was getting comfortable in the seat.

I sat waiting but nothing was happening. I waited longer, and still nothing happened. I began to think that this was a dud; a stupid waste of time as I reminded myself I must be wandering around in my imagination with this BS, but then something happened.

Suddenly I clearly saw a fragment of an old dream from some years ago. I thought well that’s distinct and wondered if this chair was actually starting to do something, but then the image was gone. I waited and again there was another fragment of an old dream, and then yet another of the same dream; very clear, like being back in that old dream. I thought to myself, huh this is actually doing something after all. Then I was launched into very clear fragments of other dreams and I thought this is definitely doing something,… So what is this all about?

Then suddenly I was in my bedroom at the house I grew up in, as a very young child maybe 4 years old. How could I be here? I wandered around in my room remembering it, and then I remembered more. There were more memory fragments of my childhood in the house I grew up in at other ages and I thought, no lets not be remembering childhood stuff but it persisted. All sorts of memories from so long ago drifted clearly through my perception. I haven’t remembered these things since then. One after another they came through in precession. Then I found myself outside the house I grew up in; seeing parts of the house and backyard.

I thought, ok so I remember. What now? And the memories progressed to later years when I was a teen year on my bike. I recognized I was moving forward through the memories. Next I saw myself walking around town seeming to be a time I was visiting home from college. Then suddenly I was back in DeKalb and found myself facing again the vision of the Ancient of Days; all the pain from that, the sense of death from it. I was aware of all the crap that followed that vision – a ruined life.

“WHAT am I suppose to learn from this?!” I blurted out. “You must remember who you are”, was replied. “Then show me plainly”, I retorted, “I know you can explain this if you wanted to. I’m listening”. In reply I heard, “This is the foundation of your being”. I responded saying, “Yes. It was, or is, the foundation – I understand that”. Then I saw the contradictions that came with that time, the very deep and troubling pain, confusion, betrayal, all I suffered for years and decades following. I saw the painful sense of loss after that time when I felt abandoned by those who revealed themselves to me. I reflected that this time is much like that time, the sense of confused abandonment.

“Why are you leaving me again”, I said. “When you all showed up I began to remember. I began to understand again. So why tell me now to remember anything when you have returned to hiding?” And they explained, “Because you would become too powerful before your time. All this…has been to constrain your power…. throughout your life”. And I understood; its not time for me to fully know. The contradictions, all to constrain me until a time when I would be ready for ‘the’ clarification I’m waiting for. Is that it? Well it looks like this memory room did work. This is exactly what the problem is. It is all clear to me now, but I am exhausted of this constant resistance.

Then I sat up in the memory chair and climbed down. I walked out the door and I saw Tellaidian looking at me as if trying to assess my state. I was so grieved by the weight of my life…the continued ruin of it saying to him. “Master, I will come back to be with you, but I have to leave now”. I turned to leave. Stepping out the door I nodded to Atur and Anosh, and headed down the hall to the lift. About to leave the station, I stood at the exit looking out at the expanse of space and stars. What is this suppose to mean? Where am I and why am I here? I then returned to Voyager 8.

Back in Voyager 8 I waited disheartened in my seat for to exit. Then suddenly I found myself sitting on an empty city bus like the one I use to take home from high-school track practice. And I remembered all the problems of that time too; a dad with his brains blown out restrained at a VA ward and all the other fucking hassles of high school and home life. There I was on the damn city bus, so I decided I had enough of this and I shook myself out hard from the meditation and came back to the physical.